2005 brought about a lot of changes on the Internet, many from search engine giant Google. Thanks to Google's multi-billion dollar IPO, seeming monopoly on webmaster's daily emotions and frustrations, and news hungry bloggers, if Google so much as changes a light bulb bloggers rush to Brett Tabke of Webmaster World looking for him to name the latest lighting update. (For those of you unfamiliar with Brett, he is the person who usually names major search engine updates, such as Florida, or Jagger – but not Big Daddy.)

The updates have been dizzying, and many times webmasters are left wondering: why? Why is it that we have to know about the latest rumor leaking from the Googleplex? Now I will admit that Site Reference has been as guilty as everyone else in writing some highly overstated, over-theorized article on what the minds at Google are doing, but we typically try to separate the wheat from the chaff.

And that is what this article is all about – to determine what the top 10 moves will be by Google in 2006.

We had the great opportunity to sit down with Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Eric Schmidt, and, strangely enough, Winston Churchill to discuss the future of Google as we begin 2006. Below you will find the top 10 anticipated changes that Google will bring in 2006.



10. Google Starts Specialized Paris Hilton Index

Due to the overwhelming number of searches performed for the multi-million dollar heiress who is famous for...well, we are still trying to figure out why she is famous...Google has decided to start a specialized index which will focus in on Paris Hilton searches.

Larry Page was extremely happy to fill us in on the details.

“This move will greatly help us focus on searches that matter. So many of our resources were being dedicated to the 'Paris Hilton scandal-of-the-month' that we decided to start a dedicated index to isolate that portion of our search traffic. That Carl's Jr commercial was very difficult for us to handle. The hope is that we will be able to isolate that specialized traffic and dedicate the rest of our resources to results that matter.”

If you read between the lines, it appears as if Larry may be thinking of creating the “Hilton” tag – Paris's own version of the “Supplemental Result” that plagues so many website owners.

The only problem with this specialized index is Google's desire to offer quality results in its top 10 results. So far, out of the millions of results for Paris Hilton, Google has been unable to find any quality content that deserves a top 10 ranking.

9. Google will Launch “Soul Searching”

This is another project that Larry Page is particularly excited about.

“As everyone knows, Google's mission is to organize the world's information. What's more important that a person's soul?”

The product, which hasn't reached its launching point of a “beta” stage, is still kept secret, but it is rumored that Google has found a way to spider the human soul. Although the privacy implications are significant, neither Larry Page, Sergey, or Eric seemed too concerned.

“We've dealt with privacy concerns before. Just trust us,” said Sergey.

The question is whether webmaster's will trust Google with their souls. Some feel as if it might be too much to ask for Google to demand website perfection, and a standardized organization to the human soul.

But Larry points out the obvious benefits.

“Imagine being 12, 13, 14 years old and not having to worry about all those confusing years growing up. Simply do a Google search and we will show you exactly what you are meant to do in life. This is the purpose of soul searching.”

Winston Churchill simply looked bewildered.

8. Major Announcement: “Googlebot finds Holy Grail”

We at Site Reference are very proud to be the first to announce Google's latest achievement. Googlebot has actually found the Holy Grail.

Eric Schmidt explains. “When I joined the Google team, I realized that it was important to beat Yahoo, MSN, and any other competitor that was going to put forward a huge index, so I told them to let Googlebot go do its thing. Its been running wild across the web and the world finding all sorts of treasures. It found Tuvalu and the lost colonists of Roanoke, Atlantis, and Jimmy Hoffa, but the Holy Grail is...well, the Holy Grail!”

Well put. It seems as if Googlebot is becoming a little more efficient in its crawling.

After a little research we learned that Harrison Ford of Indiana Jone's fame is suing Google with the claim that he was the one to find the Holy Grail back in the 80's.

7. Google to Officially Move Out of Beta – and into Omega

I guess we have Google to blame for the horrid Beta craze. When Google launched, they launched in beta. Most of their new features launch in Beta and stay in beta for some time. In their words, they do not see the point in moving away from a beta release.

Well, 2006 is going to change that – Google style.

“We feel as if it is time to officially launch Google, but we are going to go further than a regular production launch, we are moving straight to Omega. Its time to show MSN that any competition they thought would be there is really not going to happen. They are still in beta – we're in Omega.”

What is Omega? Who knows. Its just as obscure as beta was, but it will undoubtedly make the news. Who knows, maybe it will usher in a new era of "Web 3.0".

6. Google Acquires Country of Tuvalu

As pointed out in point number eight, Googlebot recently discovered the country of Tuvalu on its journey to finding the Holy Grail. Sergey took the time to travel to this small country located in the Southern Pacific and absolutely fell in love with it. Rather than buying a vacation home, Sergey decided to buy the actual country. The decision was unaminously backed by Larry and Eric, and even Winston Churchill chimed in about how nice the country was at dusk during the spring.

This acquisition is sure to provide a lot of questions for those who follow Google closely. After all, what interest does Google have in a small country? How relevant is this to their mission? How are they going to make any money? Larry had the answers.

“Really its not about the money so much as it is about the academic pursuit. Besides, if Yahoo can purchase Del.icio.us without much of a revenue strategy, why can't we buy a small country? We are a multi-billion dollar company, you know.”

News of the purchase was hailed as “visionary” by Wallstreet. Google's stock topped $600/share.

5.Plans to Please Ten Times the Number of Website Owners

Google is truly in a strange predicament. They are the best place to be ranked well, so everyone who owns a website loves them. Then again, they can only rank ten websites in the top ten for any given search term, so most website owners secretly hate them.

Although Google has tried to make themselves more transparent and help website owners with new tools and services, the problem still lies in the fact that only 10 websites can rank well. That is until now.

“When Yahoo only offered 100 megabytes of storage for their email, we came out with 1 gigabyte,” Larry bragged. “Now that all the engines offer 10 top results, we plan to offer 100. Using our superior math skills, we have managed to find a way to jam 100 results in the top ten while still offering only 10 results.”

If you are confused, you are not alone. Sergey and Eric tried in vain to explain this new release and how it was definitely not ready for Beta, but Churchill really seemed to like the idea.

4. Google Feels Lucky – Breaks Trump's Casinos

For a long time now Google has sported the “Feeling Lucky?” button on their front page. As I sat talking informally to the four people in front of me about great Clint Eastwood lines, I discovered a rather funny story. It seems as if a group of Google engineers decided to spend the weekend in Atlantic City with plans to explore Trump's many casinos. During their stay one Google engineer employed the use of the “Feeling Lucky” button on Google's search page and won a progressive jackpot.

The other engineers quickly followed and proceeded to use the “Feeling Lucky” button to send three of Trump's casinos into bankruptcy.

For those of you who are concerned that Matt Cutts was one of the newly made billionaires, the foursome assured me that Matt was at home blogging.

3.New Reality Television Show – Starring Matt Cutts

If you ever have the chance to attend a search engine conference that Matt is attending, I highly suggest that you take the time to do so. The experience is quite incredible. I had the opportunity to attend Webmaster World in Las Vegas and was astounded at just how many people Matt Cutts can attract just through the faintest hope that he might slip up and offer some nugget of information about Google's secret algorithm. He's no Jessica Simpson, but that does not stop his fan club from watching his every move.

Based on his wild popularity, Google is moving into the reality television market offering a new show modeled after the Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson smash hit “Newlyweds”. The show will revolve around the loving relationship between Matt and Google and hopes to display the 'normal' life of a Google engineer.

NBC and ABC are currently in a bidding war for the new show. Matt was unavailable for contact due to the bidding war.

2. Contextual Conversations?

In an effort to place Google ads in more places, Google is testing placing contextual ads within actual conversations. Soon, while you may be having a romantic night out with that person you love, not only will the subject of an engagement ring enter the conversation, but the opportunity to find four highly targeted vendors to sell you a ring will be a part of that conversation.

I couldn't stand it. I had to object:

SR: “Don't you think this is going a bit far?”

Eric: “No.”

SR: “What about privacy? Genuine conversation? Conversation for the sake of conversation?”

Eric: “Eh, you are just being shallow and pedantic.”

SR: “What do you mean 'shallow and pedantic'?”

Eric: “Click on this link and I'll tell you.”

1. Google Sues Site Reference

This may be the only news to come true out of this entire article. But after reading this publication and seeing the way we treated some of Google's staff, Google will decide to file a lawsuit against Site Reference for publishing a false article with false claims and certainly false interviews. Site Reference will benefit, after all, as we've said before, if you want a good ranking. get sued.


Conclusion and Disclaimer


Obviously this article was written with the intention of humor (even if it fell well short of any semblance of humor). We did not interview any Google executive (or Winston Churchill) and none of these things happened (or will happen). We do hope that some of the links within the article will be new and interesting for you, but most of all we hope we brought a little levity to the often frustrating world of SEO. And if you are looking for a good place to vacation, check out Tuvalu - we hear the sunsets are magnificent during the spring.

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Mark Daoust is the owner of Site Reference.

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